"Why Can't I Get My Coffee Today?"

If anyone is planning on having lunch today at any one of the numerous homogenized American Bistro Eateries with a possesive apostrophe in its name you should be ready. The lounge and booths are bound to be choked with clutches of skirted professionals who are trading stories of their oppressive and incompetent boss.

Today is Administrative Professionals Day--or Secretary's Day, or Administrative Assistants Day, or Exceptional Assistants Day. You may want to check with your office manager to clarify the job title du-jour before you dart out to hallmark for the appropriate card and mylar balloon, or any other trinket based on how much of an ogre you have been as an employer. Rest assured you better do something or you will find phone calls dropping out of sight and caustic comments littering the coffee station on anonymous post-it notes.

To be sure somewhere you will find "Working Girl" playing on television today, but that's an easy way out. Only slightly less obvious would be "Secretary", though I'm not so sure the ladies will flock to such a title. I would go the equal-opportunity angle from the indie realm, choosing one of two titles with males in the assistant position. "New Suit" would fill the empowerment angle, showing an assistant who dupes Hollywood. But if your boss is a real ass you should go for "Swimming with Sharks". You'll feel better at some point in the movie, but only after learning you don't have to be in the water to get bitten.