As if the end of "Sex and the City" wasn't hard enough on the girls, a pair of elephants from an LA zoo have been seperated and now a judge is stepping in to determine if this bond breaking isn't causing depression in an African elephant named Ruby at the Knoxville zoo. Ruby was brought in as part of a breeding program but she has not been as amorous as officials had hoped (That's Cattral with the esplendido). I could have told them that--when you come between your woman and her best friend she will resent you for it. Easily the best line is this quote from a Humane Society spokesperson:
"As far as I'm concerned, it's the first time in America that we've had a Superior Court judge bend over backwards to see if an elephant is happy." (What is the opposite of writer's block, when you have so much you can say that nothing can get out?)
As an attempt to alleviate the stress I posit that they smear some peanut butter on a remote and see if Ruby could be consoled with a feature that has a comedian in it, like Dennis Leary, or maybe Bill Murray.
If that fails I say get her liquored up. I doubt you could afford enough Cosmopolitans to lift the spirits of a 5 ton leviathon, but you could start with a 6-pachadyrm of beer. (Shut-up, like you could resist using that line.) I know just the brand they can use. You need to be careful of the amounts however, as bad things can happen when they get drunk.
The natural question of course is what does an inebriated elephant see when it hallucinates?