If He Gets Arrested in Hollywood He Has a Career Again

The career descent of Jason Patric is a bit puzzling. The actor, recently picked up for a drunken/disorderly charge in Austin, had everything in place to be a Hollywood fixture, and yet he has failed to actually become embedded into popularity, having to settle with nibbling around the fringe with lesser, but solid efforts.

Jason lept into the scene with a dream role as a hunkthrob of a vampire in "The Lost Boys", even upstaging Keifer's mullet in the hearts of teen girls. He followed that with respectable work in "Rush".

What may have sunk his rise was his attempt at action star in "Speed 2" a film that has to be regarded as nothing less than disaster. While Sandy went on to better things it took 5 years for anyone to think of touching Patric with a decent role, but he did good work with Ray Liotta in "Narc"

The good news for Jason is that his arrest is a sign that Hollywood may be giving him a real break. His arrest comes just days before the opening of "The Alamo", in which he co-stars. Studios wouldn't trust a nobody to go ahead with incarceration for the sake of publicity of a film. Jason, you may have finally made it.


Jack of One Trade Steps Down

The big news over the weekend was not all that surprising, as the question had always been "When", not "If". Sitting President of the Motion Picture Association of America, and lately sitting duck for critics, Jack Valenti is said to be retiring in a matter of months.

He has been credited with some major innovations--notably his creation of the film ratings system that is still in use today. Of course he will probably be more reknown for his other decisions, his screener tape ban involving this year's Oscar ceremony being one for instance. The controversey was widespread enough that Valenti did a unique turn at the Independant Spirit Awards, coming on stage to handcuff host John Waters after John announced that he had misplaced his screeners.

The MPAA is a collective of major studios--Paramount Pictures, Sony Entertainment, Warner Bros, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios, Universal Studios Inc, Walt Disney Co. and 20th Century Fox. (Look over those names again, consider the collective billions they are worth, and try to figure out how the MPAA web address can have the non-profit ".org" suffix.) Valenti repping for business owners essentially makes him something of a commissioner--a point man to absorb the slings directed at self-interests. Such as his position, Valenti's controverseys over recent years had relegated him as little more than the Bud Selig of Filmdom. The question now circulating Burbank is who will his successor be?

I'll tell you who I'll throw my microscopic weight behind. Actor Joe Pantoliano who--according to wonkette-- is interested in replacing Jack Valenti: "Tell ’em to give me a call — my career is in the toilet anyway." All right, so maybe "The Handler" isn't scorching Neilson boxes, but I think he'll be fine. I just caught him doing good work in the independant "Second Best" at Sundance. I have to like the idea of Joey Pants running the show. Maybe when things heat up, heads'll roll.


The Front Runner for the Bitchy Award

Rolling Stone cover boy Ben Affleck has had an uncomfortable March. Still a hot button subject concerning his split with Jenny From the Block he has been a fixture on PR circuit, flogging his new film "Jersey Girl", even stooping to share a set with Regis for a day.

Part of that tour included a stop with Larry King last week, and things got out of Benjamin's control. He started by repeating a gripe that he had been stiffed out of his Razzie for his work in "Gigli" from the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, but was then surprised to learn that organizers from that governing body had provided King with his trophy. Ben however was nonplussed and called the award "cheap looking", leaving behind following the taping.

Well his dis can be your gain, as the Razzie group reclaimed the trophy and has it up for auction. Happy bidding.


A Role Too Challenging for Vin Diesel

< "Someone convice Adam Sandler to take the part!"

< "Does his agent still get 10%?"

It is the kind of story that causes the purile responses to pile up. A British acting troupe has put the call out to cast an actor in a key role in an upcoming play. The stipulation: "Aspiring stars must agree to be dead by the time the show begins." You read that correctly, they are casting the role of a dead person to be played by a dead person. The play, seemingly titled by Yoda, is called "Dead: You Will Be" and calls for a corpse to be onstage for performances.

< "Hey, Costner got his start playing a corpse, and it was his best role to date."

< "As an added bonus the performer will be featured during the "In Memorium" segment at next year's Oscars."
(See what I mean?)

One of the directors noted that the body will play a crucial role and is not a publicity stunt, (perish the thought [pun intended]). The qualifying thespian will appear on stage for 24 performances of the stage play. My advice to prospective patrons is to get to any of the early shows, as the actor is likely to emote more with each performance...or at least emit.

< "Keanu Reeves will not be a cast member--he has already been out-acted by a dead body"
Mercifully the trenchant commentary will end now.



Former New York City Mayor Ed Koch is well known for primarily being the Former Mayor of NYC. He has nestled into that niche of stardom where an individual acheives fame merely by becoming a version of themself. Societal parasite Paris Hilton and meltdown artist Courtney Love are examples from this catagory. Koch's sub-fame springs from his self-created PR, starting with the release of his autobiography while serving as mayor. Since then he has done much to inject himself in the public eye, evidenced by the amount of times he plays himself on camera. The effort also involves a line of tepid mystery novels, and an ill-fated turn as a syndicated magistrate.

One other "job" that Eddie-K has taken on is as weekly film reviewer for the web site of the New York City Mayor's office of Film, Theater, and Broadcasting (That's a letterhead that'll cost you at Kinkos.) Koch lends his unique ability to sound like the everyman when reviewing his film choices. Here's a series of excerpted insights:

* On the Irish film "Intermission"--It would help tremendously if the producers of Irish and English films provided subtitles.

* It would be tedious to describe the twists and turns of the plot. This from his review of the intellectually complex "Starsky & Hutch"

* With the poorly received "Secret Window" Koch takes a bold stand. Let’s teach Depp that he cannot dismiss us as cretins willing to accept any movie in which he appears.

* "Robot Stories", a collection of tales involving Asian-Americans provoked this discovery: The actors are overwhelmingly Japanese

* On his viewing of "The Passion of the Christ" Eddie gives some historical background, mentioning the Second Vatican Counsil and referring to it as Vatican II, like it is a sequel.

* The important aspects of a movie get discussed in his review of "Girl with the Pearl Earring": I saw the film at the Landmark Sunshine Theater on East Houston Street where I always enjoy going. I especially appreciate its stadium seating that provides unobstructed sight lines

My favorite however has to be his take on "The Lord of Rings: The Return of the King". After a synopsis he never really says if it is good or bad, but it has a "negative" sign after the title, (his version of "Thumbs Down") and I can only guess it is because his knees were hurting during the long movie. And he dutifully frames his position by referencing his review of one of Broadway's biggest plays in the last decade or two--When I saw the Broadway show, "The Producers" in previews, I predicted that it wouldn't last two weeks so don't let my review of this film stop you from going
Judging by his critiques I would hazard a guess that many people have been doing just what he suggests.


Movies are Too Violent, I'm Going to a Hockey Game

No wonder Netflix is doing such booming business. First I get word that "The Passion of the Christ" has claimed another victim, this time a priest in Brazil dumped his mortal coil during a screening of Mel's film. (Just out of curiosity, how come we never had news stories about babies being born in a theater during a showing of, say, "The Devil's Advocate"?)

Next I see a man got himself pummeled because he had the temerity to ask another patron to shut the hell up during a screening. After politely asking for silence the offender, a 38 year old man, began to act like a juvenile and the two squared off, with the 51 year old offendee getting roughed up and tossed down the steps. The best part? This took place during a showing of "The Triplets of Belleville".

It is not difficult to guess what transpired here. The trog probably wanted to stay home and watch Smackdown or maybe Fear Factor, but his woman badgered him to take her to a movie. She managed to dupe him by saying it was animated, ("It's a cartoon, honey") and then he found himself sitting a dark box watching a mostly dialogue-free art house movie based on a series of obscure French inspirations. It probably took no more than 10 minutes of feelings of inadequecy before he would start acting like a Ritilin-deprived adolescent.

Everything will be OK in his universe, as there is a perfectly mindless and violent release on his horizon. And it stars a wrestler!


The Term is Confluence

Sometimes the most subtle things come together and might be bypassed if you do not pay attention. During a day dedicated to leisure activities I obtained an impressive and well constructed Rocky Patell Vintage 1990 box-pressed pyramid, and at my favorite clothier I drooled for an hour at the new movie line of clothes before settling on a beautiful martini glass.

So I have the Patell fired up and sipping on a Fris Lime Martini when I scroll over to the Florida Film Festival page to get the results of their recent event. The audience award winner turns out to be "Happy Hour", starring Anthony LaPaglia and Eric Stoltz. We featured it in our own Fest a few months back and it was one I liked for personal reasons.

Was it ironic that I'm sipping a see-through while reading about a film that was about a failed writer with a drinking problem? Not at all. We are not at all alike--I do not have a drinking problem.


Cingular Sensations in Dialing for Lotharios

Just wait until this gets out. Cell phones will become even more of a scourge. A new service is available where lonely but chatty hearts can meet their cell mate...on the phone! Called Serendipity, it was dreamt up by the romantics at M.I.T. , a crowd probably familiar with text massaging and the like, and it speaks volumes that they would name it after a hilariously implausible romantic comedy.

The way Serendipity works is a phone owner plugs their personal information into their phone ( I love the outdoors roaming, long distance on the beach, dining out at restaurants with strong signals) and while they are talking loudly in stores their phone broadcasts this information. When they are close to someone with enough of the same traits the phones will act as matchmaker, and the two can develop a meaningful relationship of ignoring each other while talking to others. Any day now the new pickup line will be sending pertinent ring tones to the girl across the bar. (I'll send her Aguillera's "Beautiful", that should get her to text me back!")

The British meanwhile have taken this to the bawdy extreme. Rather than romantic connections they have communities dedicated to "Toothing", which is anonymous sex with complete unknowns. Like Serendipity, their phones or PDA is enhanced with Bluetooth technology. When you locate another in your range you ask, "Toothing?", and see if they respond. A favorable response will lead to a text liaison while toiling at your usual task. It is said commuter trains are among the most popular place to engage in toothing...as if you needed another reason to slide away from that person closest to you on your workday ride. Makes me wonder if sexual harassment charges will see an increase due to cubicle drones who get worked up on the way in to the office. Just like Serendipity, I think Toothing missed a real opportunity at giving this service a much more appropriate moniker.


What Might Freud Say?

Word spy had among their recent entries this new term: Tunnel Advertising. At first I was confused, because I saw this Daniel Baldwin-directed mess a couple of years ago, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

T & A is actually a proposed method of endorsing that involves a long series of images emblazoned on the interior of a train tunnel to give the effect of motion images to riders. This would be Burma Shave advertising for the new millenium. ( I enjoy the bitchy comment where the host moans that no surface is safe from advertising "pestilence", as if the pristine, dark, and unseen tunnel walls are going to be missed.) Essentially it is a modern version of the zoetrope a primitive form of visual entertainment, from the days before Tivo.

The possibilities of this are intriguing in that if studios put enough money behind it they could actually show trailers inside tunnels. Water cooler talk will reignite with discourse like, "Did you see the new "Hellboy" trailer on the way in to work this morning?"


And God Stole My Idea As Well

The attempt of a French children's author to sue Disney for plagerism is now circling the bowl. Franck LeCalvez had Claimed that Pixar Studio's "Finding Nemo" too closely resembled his character in a French children's book series, Pierrot le Poisson Clown. LeCalvez suggested that the resemblance of the characters and some parallels in the story were evidence of plagerism. The judge however tossed the suit over the transom.

The magistrate said that the physical differences were sufficiently unique, and some of the similar attributes--like the appearance of the fish, and the fact they both live in an anemonae--are based on nature. LaCalvez also had trouble with his proof of material theft. His books first hit the shelves in 2000, but Pixar was able to show that they were already deep into developement of their fish by that time--the film took over three years to create. The only solid defence the author had was that he had registered the character back in 1995, and had initially shopped the idea of his story to numerous production companies as a film idea, but after getting repeatedly shot down he turned Pierrot into a book character.

His claim was that Pixar picked up on the idea after he was turned down by those studios. In other words, with all of the creative advancements and the library of wildly inventive films Pixar had changed their methods and began combing through the discarded script bins at French film studios. That's something other companies are really known for trying.


Shamrock and Rye Roll

Depending on how Irish you are people will load up on the green in varying levels today--and the beer. There are plenty of cinematic options to help you celebrate this most ethnic of days, so if you are sitting and pondering which of the hundreds of Irish films you can shake a shillegah at I'll throw some ideas at you.

A solid choice would be "The Commitments" with a soundtrack and plenty of bar scenes, now on DVD.

You can have a stateside Irish-roots melodrama with "The Brothers McMullen".

If you need a Garafalo fix you can go with "The Matchmaker"--It is a sappy tale but they actually make it to Ireland and Dennis Leary is included.

If you want to see the Irish depected by a squat American and a statuesque Aussie you can of course take on "Far and Away". Laugh at Cruise in his bowler, but Nikkie Kidman looks rather fetching in more than a few scenes.

"The Secret of Roan Inish" is a sparkly emerald of a movie for leprechauns of all ages.

If you have a masochistic bent "Celtic Pride" is as painfully unfunny as a comedy as "Far and Away" is hilarious as a drama.

Myself? I'm torn between "Ned Kelly"--the 1970 version--with Jagger at times playing himself and a scared rock star who doesn't know how to behave in front of the camera. But I am sure I will opt for "The Crying Game". Great performances, but a word of caution: you may want to hold off on the corned beef until after the big reveal scene. You'll thank me.


Your Premiere Source of SUCK

Let's get it out of the way--I know I am not by any stretch original by bitching about Premiere Magazine being the lap bitch of the industry. But when you cavil about a subject you should sporadically provide evidence on behalf of the familiar rant. Case in support, the April 2004 issue of said rag, with the cover's seduction claimer that this is a Special Collector's Edition.

That impulse tag was not my reason for plucking this issue. Against my better judgment I fell for the cover banner announcing their coverage of the Sundance Film Fest. This weakness was due to my having crashed the Premiere party at the bottom of Main Street, the weakest bash during the fest. It had a long swag table with near empty gift bags, yuppies trying to appear hip and plugged-in as they guarded their own bags filled to 3 times capacity, and the worst crime of all--a cash bar! The place seemed to play host to all the things people complain about Sundance.

The new issue follows their tradition of emulating an all movie version of Entertainment Weekly. For instance, what makes this not just a collector's edition, but a Special Collector's Edition is the reliance on the now industry wide requirement that all periodicals offer a list of the "Greatest"-something-or-other of all time. This go round we get the "100 Greatest Movie Characters of all Time." All I need to show that this is fluff is that they feature Rebecca Romijn Stamos in photos as some of the female characters, and one of them is Sandy from "Grease". (Although her take as Alex Forrest was better than Glenn Close.)

Then they manage to find page space for the Sundance coverage, which begs you to skip ahead to the puff piece on Jim Carey's new attempt. Unable to help himself writer Tom Rolston not only mentions the appearance of Paris Hilton at Park City, he does so in the first sentence. He tries to couch it as a criticism, but he dedicates the entire opening paragraph to her turning heads at parties and even mentions her unstimulating video tape. Eventually he gets around to reporting that some movies were playing out there as well.

Apart from her bootlegged bedroom performance--which was only notable for showing her willingness to answer her cell phone in mid-romp (coitus-waiting?)--Paris has had no film history to warrant her being mentioned in a piece about Sundance, let alone being allowed in town to begin with. I first caught a whiff of her void-like screen charisma in a short film called "QIK2JDG". She has since appeared in other disposable versions of herself, such as a sex toy without lines in "Wonderland", and as a nightclub lemming in "The Cat in the Hat".

I guess the one thing we can be grateful about is that she never graced the screens during the festival, opting instead to populate venues that had nothing to do with film, like the Blender Magazine nightly affairs. When a movie with Paris Hilton is accepted into Sundance it will surely be a sign that they have gone over the edge. At least Slamdance will give a reason to fly out to the Utah Mountains.


So Where Are the Men?

We slipped down to the beach today for some needed sun and surf time, completely oblivious to the fact that the annual Secondary Education Hiatus was just underway. No arguement that this has become a far cry from a bygone era, or even the era that I remember enduring. Back then you could bastardize the heroism at Iwo Jima by having Schlitz-polluted Greeks staking their claim on the bare hip of a lounging co-ed without hearing the charge of them being unpatriotic.

No matter the changes, many of the elements appear to still be in place today: Churlish frat boys that focus on bikinis only slightly more than their own abs; gaggles of nubiles wallowing in turpitude; t-shirt shops selling cotton decrees promoting wanton sex and marijuana consumption with jackhammer subtlety; and of course the perfect melding of hot bods and frozen margaritas. (Of course my own memory is littered with warm beer and cold shoulders, but that is for another blog.)

If you'd like live updates to the bacchanalia drop in on this historic locale and see the cutting edge webcams.


I Always Have Called Her a Focker

Speculation has swirled for weeks now but it has has been confirmed:Barbara Streisand is set to play Ben Stiller's mom, Mrs. Focker, in the soon to shoot sequel to "Meet the Parents." The report is that she will play the lecturing liberal mom, so it is good to hear that she is stretching herself to avoid getting typecast.

I understand that the final piece of negotiations involved returning director Jay Roach being required to shoot Babs with the compulsory angelic overhead-lighting effect that has become a Streisand staple to her appearing on camera.

Just Don't Dishonor the work of Roberto Benigni

A tremulous wave of excitement stretched across the pond as Americans became duly aware of the reality--nay the enormity--of the news. Yes, just mere days after Blake Edwards was honored with a lifetime Oscar we now receive confirmation: They're going to make another "Pink Panther" movie!!!
After 11 arduous years we now can take solace that this venerated series of comedic platinum is set to return. I can sense you are all vibrating with anticipation awaiting who will play Cleuseau. That name? Steve Martin!

We have come to expect that over the years Clouseau is somewhat crazy, maybe even wild on occassion, but now there is a chance that he can be both! Let's just hope Martin brings more of "Roxanne" to the role than "Sgt. Bilko". The real teast will become whether or not he rates his own Pez dispenser.


Well This Didn't Take Long

Hope these aren't out of date by the time they ship.

The colors are much more appealing than those drab "Free Winona" T-shirts. Actually I'd like one myself.

Jumping to Conclusions

The usually reserved New York Post has much of New York in a lather with their latest blast of audacity. When a co-ed from NYU chose to fling herself to her death the Post ran action photos of the event.

Clearly this is insensitive to the girl's family, however the hysterical indignation raining down on The Post sounds slightly less sincere. How many times have been treated to, and gasped admiringly at, a lingering death plunge on the large screen? I think of Alan Rickman becoming a victim of deceleration trauma during the climax of "Die Hard" after Bruce Willis sprung him from his wife's Twist-O-Flex watchband, from Speidel. That was just cool! But a photo of a similar event in the paper is repugnantly vile.

This strikes me of being the paradox pointed out by Berkley Breathed in a Bloom County strip. Watching television Portnoy begins cheering a violent scene in a movie, and Hodgepodge declares he thought they were watching the news. One of them shouts out, "Will somebody tell me if we're supposed to be enjoying this or not!"

Somebody should tell the New York Post as well.


Brew and Board

An Australian property owner has hit upon a dubious theory. In order for him to secure occupants who are responsible and reliable he is offering beach front property and he is going to pick up the utilities. Reasonable enough. But the landlord is also going to kick in pay-television and free beer for the desireable renters. This cannot be a good idea.

He may initially have an ideal tenant, but give them "The Real Cancun" on pay-per-view and drop a pony keg in the living room and your prim resident will transform your property before your eyes. Suddenly it will be the end of the month and they will stage K-Y Wrestling nights just to make rent. The only thing left is to call the authorities to come and clear the neighborhood.


Please Shut Off Your Engine and Lift Your Skirt

What do the guys at Broken Lizard know that we don't? Following a lengthy investigation instigated by the Governor of Pennsylvania the State's highway patroll division report has come out with results detailing the numerous sexual shenanigans committed by the road officers over the span of a few years. Here's a list of some of the findings (Thanks out to JoeBob Briggs):

*One trooper defecating on another trooper at a party, with the same trooper sticking a carrot in his butt then eating it
*A trooper having sex with a drug dealer
*A trooper having sex with a woman in a patrol car
*A trooper shoving a girlfriend in the back and cutting her cheek
*A trooper having an affair with a married woman
*Three troopers having sex with a narcotics informant
*A trooper raping a woman at her home while on duty
*Two female cadets taking naked photos of another female cadet
*A trooper physically abusing his wife
*A trooper posing for naked photos at the 1999 Thunder in the Cascades bike rally
*A trooper having sex while working the midnight shift
*A trooper having sex with prostitutes employed by escort services
*Troopers watching porno tapes while on duty

I had it all wrong, "Super Troopers" wasn't funny, it was a documentary.

The good news is steps are being taken as the State takes a series of barn door closings with the bovines already running amok. They will "consider" setting up a hotline, and they will define what sexual misconduct is administratively. Ah, that explains the trooper sodomizing with vegetables--he was never trained that it was incorrect behavior while on the job.

As for the female cadets taking snapshots of other women on the force, they will be promoted with raises.


No Cure For Spalding

Spalding Gray, the monologueist who had been missing for two months has just just been identified as the body that was recently discovered In the East River in New York. He appeared as a character actor in numerous films but become most well known for two movies displaying his one-man stage performances that featured a spartan set of a desk, a glass of water, and himself.

"Monster in a Box" detailed his anxieties while writing a novel, and the now cruelly ironic "Swimming to Cambodia" which was about his time spent as a bit player in the filming of "The Killing Fields" and had been directed by Jonathan Demme

Chicks Always Dig the Fast Car

As if more proof is needed to show that the web is a great democratic force of nature, here is, well, more proof. The dregs of the singles scene had always been the dating services. Things improved only slightly with the advent of computer dating, where all pretence of romance was sucked out of the process.

Then along came the big ole world-wide-web, rocking the dating province out of its arranged marriage conventions. Now the yearning souls could reveal their intimate details under the cloak of anonymity and belch them forth to the multitudes and find with certainty their perfect match. This new expanded realm is so successful that online matchmaking can be targeted to specific subjects. For an example check out RaceFansConnect.com, the dating community for stock car aficionados. Before you ridicule allow me to remind you that one of Hollywood's royal couples met while filming some fuel injected magic, before waving the checkered flag on their marriage. But don't let their failings affect your quest to find that perfect gear head in your headlights.

If you need to sound knowledgeable about turning left follow this primer. And one piece of advice. Do not ever giggle when you mention the name Dick Trickle, because that will be a dead giveaway that you are a poser.


Today it is Taylor's Blog

In honor of the fact that today my daughter is officially one half of the way towards 16 candles, (a prospect I am not looking forward to) I will turn over the content of this site to her. The newly christened 8-year-old chooses the subjects:

"Shrek 2"--This is the most anticipated movie of the summer. I recall the hit that the original had been, with the DVD being played ten times in the span of three days, including one stretch of three concurrent viewings back-to-back. This was not a child zoning out like a labotomized tree-sloth, this was interactive enjoyment. She laughed harder during the later repeats than at the beginning. It still works in a pinch for these parents.

"Shark Tale"--This is targeted for an October release, and it may be as anticipated as Shrek, as we are fond of the deep sea predators in this home. (Shark Week is always big around here.) Before you dismiss this effort as a rip-off of "Finding Nemo" this has a cast that is beyond impressive, as well as varied. From DeNiro, to Jack Black to...Ziggy Marley as a jellyfish? Count us in.

Kim Possible--The best show in the world. And guess what? In just a few days, a new KP DVD will be coming out. That's ever so cool!

Lilo and Stitch--(This one is more for me) Since I get out of work late most nights for amusement I'll tune in to George Noori on "AM Coast to Coast". If you are unfamiliar, this is the remnants of old Art Bell program, where the Dale Gribbles of the world can listen in from their basements to hear validation to their crackpot theories. On Tuesday George had a guest who was all over the map and stated, among numerous other declarations, that "Stitch" was definitively the infamous Latin American beast, the Chupacabra.
Now I don't mean to question a vaunted authority on such matters, but I'll need some clarity on a few items. For starters, this being is not only from outer space, he is an experiment created by aliens. Secondly, the mythical scourge kills livestock all over Central and South America--Stitch meanwhile set up shop in Hawaii. And I don't even want to get into the whole Elvis thing with this guy.

Happy Birthday Taylor. You Know I'll always think of you in my own way.


Martha: Blue Jumpuits are the New Orange Jumpsuits

Yesterday every conceivable media outlet lept up to tell the world Martha Stewart was found guilty, and I couldn't have yawned more. I am somewhat perplexed at the media feeding-frenzy surrounding the doyenne of doilies. Now that she is in big trouble I have seen her face more than Stanley Tucci did after getting maced by a hallucinogenic toad when she was in "Big Trouble". I just have a hard time grasping all this elation people have that she is to be incarcerated in a sparsely festooned cell. Why? Because she dared to suggest improvements can be made on things? Actually, it does make sense, given mankind's normal reaction when someone dares to suggest how to live a better life. (No I'm not suggesting Martha is equal to Christ, it was a comparison of reactions--please reserve emails).

Personally, I would have to say that Cybill Shepherd should have been tossed in stir for her over the top scenery chewing portrayal in "Martha Inc..." ("Hey, slut! I'm writing your mother a letter telling her you're a whore.") Guess there's no such thing as justice.


Stiffler Gets Himself Stiffed at Nightclub

Ocassionally a dumb-ass Hollywood story comes along and is actually a feel-good story. As much as it pains me to reference Sean William Scott in this space, this couldn't be passed over. The story goes Scott was not content to sit at the back of a line outside a nightclub so he went to the front to pull rank on the doorman. Just his luck he drew the lone doorman in LA who might be able to read, because as he unloaded his filmography in the hopes of slipping in he got rebuffed. Sean William even detailed the exchange for a stringer from BANG Showbiz as he acted like his name was on the ENTRY list:

He goes, 'You're not here.' And I was like, 'That's weird, I called my publicist. Um, have you seen 'American Pie'?' He's like, 'No.' 'Have you seen 'Road Trip'?' 'No.' ''Dude, Where's My Car?'' 'No.'"
Reading that, I'm like, no way! When "Dude, Where's my Car" can't get you access it's time to pack it in and go to Bennigans.

If you want even more nightclub disaster involving Sean William you can rent "Stark Raving Mad", his foray into the direct-to-rental realm. He has about as much luck with this role as he had getting into the party.


Mel Hath Fury, Women Scorned

Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" has exploded at the box office and the headlines. Ever since the press hungrily covered the death of the Kansas woman during a viewing of the film (apparently this is the first movie to kill people) the stories continue.

First, we hear the Devil watched films in Georgia. One lady in a small town was among the many customers to notice what the manager said was "Absolutely a coincidence."--the movie tickets were printed with 666 on them. "Several people have commented on it, but only one made a stink about it." he reported. That lady demanded the tickets be exchanged with passes so she wouldn't be in possession of the tickets and, I guess, risk possession.

Next we hear of a woman in Conneticut who drove her car into an area lake because, as she stated, she was trying to reenact a scene from the film. Since I haven't seen the movie could someone tell me--what kind of car does Jesus drive? The assumption is that she may have been aiming for a baptism of sorts according to police: :
"She drove her vehicle partly off the bank. Just the front of the car was in the water."
Since she seems to have at least baptized the car she may have ironically lost her vehicle and saved her vehicle at the same time.


Berry Entertaining Movies

While Hollywood was busy panegyrizing on Sunday the always testy and neccessary Golden Raspberry Foundation handed out their annual Razzie Awards

TRIVIA: Who was the only movie star to appear at the Razzies to collect a trophy?

Not surprisingly there was a sweep on par with the Lord of the Rings performance at the Academy bash. (Curiously, the movie was titled "Love Trouble" in France. Wonder if that helped the box office there.)

In that vein if you are interested in the worst received films here are the titles that pulled in the lowest scores from Rotten Tomatoes last year. Govern yourself accordingly.

Trivia Answer: A very diserving .Tom Green


At Least Their Intentions Were Pure

The Coca-Cola company made a rather stunning revelation that could be shaping up into a "Chinatown" water scandal. The bottling conglomerate has recently begun marketing their Dasani water in England, with pretty good success.

But now, in response to a story, the company has admitted its product actually comes from the London water main. Of course a water tap on the label does not instill the image of health so they promote an ethereal image with blue tinted bottles stating the product is "pure, still water." Don't let me suggest that it started out as "pure swill".

In the age of cross-promotions it may be a good idea for one Sundance film to think carefully which brand of water they merge with.

The Trick is Choosing the Right Wine

For far too long now we have had to contend with repeated insurrections from the same type of aggressor, with no end in sight and plans for more sure to come.

Well now comes news that we may have finally turned the tables in our favor. Bet they won't make a movie about it though.


Delusions of Sandler

When it comes to consistently distasteful performances you have to consider the body of work of Adam Sandler. And if his work is not bad enough his production company unleashes other oppressive offerings from his co-conspirators.

What I was surprised to hear was that Sandler is known for not granting access to himself to the press. I never realized this because I pay no attention to him and he does lower himself to appear on the occassional Leno show when he has a movie to flog. But apparently he and his handlers have a "no press" policy, and I guess I should be thankful. I came to find out about this from the Peter Bart piece in Variety, where he secured an interview with the aloof clown.

Actually I can see why Sandler wants to duck the press, given the target he has on his back regarding his misdeeds. Still, the biting questions do not seem to justify the testiness in his responses. In a discussion of the seriousness of his work he proclaims,
"I had to show Jack Nicholson how to do his schtick."
May I be one to suggest nobody shows Nicholson how to do anything?

When Bart mentioned Adam's movies getting raked over the coals in the press he gave a curious response:
"Chaplin didn't always please the critics either."
Is he really comparing himself to Chaplin? I can respond and say "Alf" didn't always please critics as well. But Sandler isn't the only one prone to pomposity, as Bart compares his interview with Sandler to Tim Russert interviewing President Bush. Sandler's people however surpassed him. When trying to secure the interview Bart pointed out to Adam's press rep that Bush did the Russert interview this was her response:
"But Adam is not the President."
Truer words may not have been spoken. At least she didn't suggest that Sandler had a better year.