Staying In a Comfortable Hilton

The vacuous parasitic existence of Paris Hilton is exceeded only by the bizarre insistance of the media to treat her slavishly in coverage. For someone named after the City of lights she appears about as bright as a 3 watt bulb, and considering she has done little more than gorging on her trust-fund teat her popularity is approaching near Faustian levels. Nary a week goes by without some entertainment dispensary spewing party coverage, rumors, or photos surrounding this societal placebo. The fact however remains--She Has Not Done a Damned Thing!

In the next few months there will be two new attempts at bringing Paris legitamacy--one she sanctions and one which she does not, yet both will surely embarass. On May 11th a direct-to-video horror offering will hit the stores, entitled "Nine Lives". While earning no more than 10 minutes of screen time the marketers cleverly have her positioned front and center on the cover over the no-name co-stars. Word is that the movie had a lone appearance in a theater at a 2002 London horror festival and was greeted with yawns.

This meek effort will certainly become eclipsed by the news that her infamous online sex video will become available for purchase in stores with a new director's cut, with extended footage. June 15 is the street date for--get your cringe ready--"One Night in Paris". Maybe we'll get to find out some of the unanswered questions of the initial release. For instance, who was on the phone that she elected to answer in mid-romp?

For those who want to get in touch with their inner Rick Salomon you can proudly boast about your excursions with this uber-trendy T-Shirt. Just be ready for offers from pale looking nervous guys wearing Batman pins and Kevin Smith hats.